Oh The Horror! Scary Google Predictions for 2015

Google announcements can be the stuff of SEO nightmares. As the Data Vault grows, and the AI investments increase, what might Google be up to in 2015? Google Diet? Google Dating? Predictive Purchases? The experts at Propecta share their best guesses (okay, not really) about some scary announcements the data giants could make next year!
Alexis Wisniewski
Associate Editor
Lex is a writer who used to turn up her nose at SEO — with its forced keywords and its shady backlinks — until she met a team of people doing it right, and got roped in by her love of excellent content. Find her on Twitter @estherproject.
October 28, 2014
UPDATE: Looking for insight to guide your SEO strategy in 2015? Check out Nate’s “Glimpses Of The Future: 10 Fringe SEO Predictions For 2015” on Search Engine Land. Looking for a chuckle and a few snarky jabs at Google? Read on!

 

It’s that time of year when ghouls hang from neighborhood trees, barns become haunted attractions, and Google “acqui-hires” seven leading artificial intelligence researchers. Spooky stuff. It’s also that time of year when businesses are mapping out marketing for 2015, and, of course, SEO is no small part of it. We’re looking ahead too and sharing how marketing teams should plan their SEO for 2015. But what might Google be up to? Here are some of the scary scenarios that the Propecta team is keeping on eye on for next year. Scelfie AllieGoogle contacts. All the benefits of Google Glass, none of the weird looks in the grocery store or loss of cool points. The contacts don’t come out once they’re in, but don’t worry – Google promises to never runs ads in your head … – Allie Lofy (@AllieLofy) . Scelfie KTGoogle Partners. Forget eHarmony’s algorithm: Google is king of algorithms and predictive analytics. When you’re ready to settle down, click the “I Do” button on your g+ profile, and Google takes care of the rest – from planning the event based on her Pinterest account, to inviting people in your Circles (but not your “Acquaintances” circle, and only people in your “Following” circle with a higher Klout score than you). – Kathryn Auerbach (@KTDVCnct) Scelfie EvanGoogle Diet! Google will implant microscopic gastronomic monitoring robots that “crawl” your gut, determine what your last few meals were (portion size, fat content, carbs, etc.), what your next meal should be, and then send the optimized hunger and desire impulses to the appropriate areas of your brain. – Evan Burrows (@EvanBurrows) . Scelfie LexGoogle Films. They know what users want. If you have your Glass on, the movies will work like those old Choose Your Own Adventure books, but you won’t have to consciously decide (and interrupt the flow of the story) because Google already knows what you would choose anyway. Everyone in the theater will come to a different ending, but everyone will leave happy – and completely creeped out. – Alexis Wisniewski (@EstherProject) Scelfie JodieGoogle announces Zombie Update in 2015, and makes us crave brains! – Jodi Grosinske (@JodiGrosinske) . . . Scelfie ToddMountain View, California, cedes the nation and becomes a sovereign state. All citizens must be microchipped, but all descending escalators are replaced with slides! The Kingdom of Google will absorb neighboring countries by first opening up their citizenship process in waves, then by encouraging the slow-adapters to change nationalities, then by quietly changing over the resistors against their wills. – Todd Mayfield Scelfie RebeccaGoogle quits. They decide they’re tired of ruling the world, and want to get back to the simpler things of life. They lock the Data Vault forever, and form a throwback ’80s hair band. ‘Google.com’ brings up a 404-error page … and not a fun, interactive one either. Scary! – Rebecca Levinson (@RebeccaLev) . Scelfie NateFirst, Google enhances its location identification system by using facial recognition with Google Glass to constantly track everyone’s whereabouts. Second, Google Predictive Purchase uses your browsing and search history to place e-commerce orders on your behalf, anticipating of your next impulse purchase. And, of course, slowly and incrementally, companies with the highest AdWords spend are given priority in organic listings. – Nate Dame (@SEONate) Scelfie GingerThe president will make Larry Page an offer he can’t refuse, and the government will own Google by the end of 2015, and be on-track – with the combination of President Obama’s charisma and Google’s big data – to take over the world. Think about it: Google is the only thing standing in their way right now. – Ginger Helm (@GingerHelm) . Scelfie ChrisGoogle has decided to drop organic search completely and just focus on paid results – Chris Post (@ThisIsPost) . . You’re up! What’s the scariest announcement Google could make in 2015? Share your scary predictions and you’ll be entered in a drawing for a free premium pizza and webinar viewing party for your whole marketing team! Here are some of the terrifying predictions that have come in so far:

Scelfie PhilippGoogle is researching a new ranking factor: In close collaboration with the NSA Home Surveillance Team, Google is digging into, “spoken backlinks.” Matt Cutts: “With new and exciting technology, we can analyze what people are really interested in without them sharing it online. We analyze what people are talking about on the phone and in their homes in order to identify the best brands and products.” – Philipp Stakenborg  (@InboundBear), Head of SEO and Inbound Marketing, SiteRanger

Google is now part of the NSA – John Jones, Jones Insurance Services

The first page for any and all Google search results evolves into nothing but paid ads. – David Waterman (@SEOWaterman)

“All you need to do is create amazing content and you will rank high in Google.” – Nick (@815seo), 815 SEO

“We’ve decided to shut down our business.” – Sadaqut Khan

The dominant factor in Page rank will be the number of colors and fonts used per page. Ahh! – Gavin Matthews (@GavinThisThing), Creative Director, CommercialTribe

We’ll be sharing more predictions as they come in. If you want to be a hero to your marketing team, don’t forget to enter the drawing with your own spooky prediction!

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